Holly's story...

Holly was 4 when I last saw her - well, about 4 anyway... no doubt her mother would chastise me for not knowing exactly how old she was, but it was a long time ago... far too long.

She's 10 now and I think about her every day... I don't suppose she thinks much about me any more - I've no doubt become an amalgam of all the things she has ever heard about me from her mother and I suspect there's not an awful lot of good stuff gone in there... And of course she has a Daddy - Richard, who has brought her up since just after her mother left me - I've always wondered about the timing of that... - and he has taken my place in her life.

I'm writing this blog so that one day Holly will be able to see that I was thinking about her for all those years and that it wasn't because I didn't want her that I couldn't be her Dad.

Her mother and me were like chalk and cheese - I was a divorced single Dad with 2 sons who were 7 and 9 when we met, and she was a single 23 year old. Things were fine for a while, but then she got pregnant (apparently that can happen when you don't take your pill for 4 days in a row right in the middle of your menstrual cycle...) and 9 months later, along came Holly. I was a little underenthused when she first got pregnant as we had only been seeing each other for 6 months and it seemed far too early to be making that sort of commitment - fairly accurate as things turned out... Still, when Holly arrived, she was beautiful and I instantly loved her as much as my other children.

And there was the problem... 'as much', not 'more than'. As she was her mother's first child, she was obviously the most important thing in her life, whereas I had to try and keep the balance with my boys too. Things started to go tits up fairly soon after that, and her mother once told my sister in a moment of girly chat that if we ever split up I 'would never see Holly again'. Well I didn't think she actually meant it - I mean, no-one could be that unreasonable - could they?

She left just after Christmas '96 and moved back to Eastbourne to be near her mother. Now at this point, reasonable arrangements for me to stay a part of Holly's life and to make the best of what was obviously going to be a tricky time would have been the order of the day...yeah, right!

Well Holly, if you ever read this, the truth is that I tried - I really tried... When I couldn't get reasonable access,I went to Court and after 2 days (and £5,000 later) in the County Court, the Judge said I could see you even more than I'd asked for. He didn't believe any of the crap your mum came up with to make me sound like a cross between Jack the Ripper and the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... and he certainly didn't believe any of the UTTER crap about your relationship with your brothers.

I did see you again for a while after this, and we had some nice weekends together, with you even being allowed to stay over with your own Dad...! But then your mother played her most heinous trick, which resulted in me having the police and social services round and all sorts of threats being made to the boys and I, and at this point a decision had to be made... Quite understandably, due to the pressure you were under at home, you didn't want to see me anyway at this time, so I told your mother that I wouldn't see you again until she could be more reasonable about the whole thing... I'm still waiting...

I don't know if you've received them, but I've sent you Christmas and birthday cards and presents every year, always with my phone number so that you could ring if you wanted... I know what pressure you would have been put under if you had tried to get in touch, so I haven't really expected anything, but I live in hope that one day...

I've been living with a lovely woman for the last 4 years who has made me very happy in all parts of my life except the box marked 'Holly'. She even rang Richard last year to try and get a photo of you to give me as a birthday present - it would have been the best present I received, as the pictures on my desk are of you when you were 3 and 4, so I expect you've changed a bit since then!! Unfortunately, they wouldn't even send a photo, so I guess time has done nothing to soften their attitude.

I hear you've got another brother or two now, and I hope life is being good to you. I really hope it won't be too long before we can see each other again, and in the meantime, I'm going to save my thoughts on the Hollyblog from time to time... I love you, Dad xx