Another Christmas with no Holly...

Hi Holly,

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I'm at work finishing off a last few bits and pieces before having a few days off - strangely there's no-one else in today...

I hope you received your Christmas present from me - the cuckoo clock with a cow moo-ing instead of a cuckoo... well it made me laugh.... I hope it made it onto your bedroom wall and maybe helped you to realise that I have never forgotten you or stopped thinking about you.

I'm sure you'll be getting lots of other nice stuff tomorrow and I hope you have a lovely day.

I've been doing the usual shopping for Ian and Michael - Ian wanted a computer for university, so I've managed to find him a nice one which should keep him going for a few years - I am of course going to pretend that I haven't bought it, by just giving him the printer instead and waiting until he's trying really hard not to look disappointed before it magically appears.... See, Christmas is for children of all ages...

Mikey is 17 two days after Xmas, so his main present is driving lessons - they will no doubt end up costing more than the computer... Still, Ian's girlfriend Val (it's their first anniversary together today), just passed first time, so maybe Mikey will follow suit.

Katie has given up her job in recruitment and has now decided that she wants to be a teacher, so it looks like she's got to go back to college for another year. She's temping at the moment to earn some money until that starts.

Pipski is still oop north doing panto. She's in Aladdin, which runs until Jan 23rd, but she is coming home tonight, after this afternoon's show, although she has got to leave on Boxing Day morning to get back for a show that afternoon. I'm really pleased she's home for Christmas... now if only you were here too...

We've decided to put our wedding back to July 2006, because the place we want to get married is being refurbished next year and won't be available. So, will I have seen you in 18 months time?? I do hope so, because I'd love all my children to be with me on that day...

The St Christopher's ski trip is getting close now, and I'm looking forward to that - it's been snowing in Italy this week, so hopefully the conditions will be good - and the kids too!

Well, I'd better get on - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope you are well and happy.

Until next time my little angel...

Dad
xxxxx

December??? - How did that happen ??

Hi Holly,

Time flies doesn't it - in a month's time, you'll be 11 and another year without seeing you will have flown by... There's so much I'd like to know - like where you're living, what you look like and whether you remember us and think of us sometimes...

I keep sending birthday and Christmas cards/presents to the house in Pevensey, but even if you had moved, I don't suppose anyone would have told me... Ho hum...

We've settled into our new office now and I really like it down here. This part of town is all being redeveloped and it is becoming quite trendy - obviously the right place for me then!!

Pip is up in Lancashire at the moment in panto - she's performing in Aladdin and they had their first show yesterday, which went OK. She's up there until the middle of January, so it's just me Mikey and Jasper at home at the moment. Mikey is still doing well at school, getting lots of good grades and moaning constantly about the amount of homework they keep giving him! Sound familiar?

The bionic one has settled back into being a full time cat instead of an inpatient, although his repaired legs have slowed him down somewhat and the field mouse population of Shirley Drive can now go out for walks in peace, knowing that he has no chance of catching them... Doesn't stop him trying though...

I've been asked to go on the St Christopher's ski trip again next month, as an 'assisting parent' - even though neither of the boys have been there for 3 years!! It's a free trip, so it would be churlish to refuse, so it's Prato Nevoso for me on the day after your birthday. If things had been different, you could have been coming on this trip - they have girls at St Christopher's now...

Anyway, must get back to work. I hope life is treating you well and I think of you always.

Lots of love,
Dad. xx

Moving on...

Hi Holly,

It's October now and things have changed a lot since I last wrote.

After 16 years working at Imperial House (you used to come in to work there with me sometimes...), I have moved out to a new office. I am still running my own business, which is going well, but I have moved into the North Laine area of Brighton and we have just about settled in now.

It has been a good thing to do, as it has made the business more independent and we don't have to rely on anyone else to make a living... hopefully one day you will find out that it is always best to be steering your own ship...

I saw a program on TV last night, which was about Bob Geldof pointing out how unfair the law of this country is to fathers when parents split up. He pointed out how the Courts nearly always give custody to the parent with whom the child is living immediately after the separation (usually the mother), and how easy it then is for that parent to stop the other seeing their child by making false accusations of domestic violence or sexual abuse... It all sounded horribly familiar and it made me very, very sad indeed watching it, because that was our story... He pointed out how much fairer it would be to all concerned if the law was changed so that the basic starting point whenever parents separated, was that each parent should look after their child for 50% of the time. How I wish that had been the law in 1996 - and indeed, that it was now.

I'm sure you have a busy life anyway and I hope you are happy. I heard some years ago that you had started riding - I wonder if you are still doing that? I remember your Mum being a good rider (she did try and teach me once, but I'm afraid I was better suited to rugby than riding...), so hopefully she's passed her skills on to you. I wonder what else you do? I am still learning the saxophone, and I can now play some tunes on it, but I wish I had learned to read music when I was young - the most difficult bit is not playing the notes, it's working out what the hell they are from that strange language of minims and quavers in which music is written! If you get the chance while you are young, learn it - even if you don't want to play an instrument now, it'll make it so much easier when you have your mid-life crisis and decide that you want to take up the French Horn...

Jasper the bionic one is almost back to full health now. His fur has grown back and he is allowed outside again - he's really quite happy about that... He can't jump very high as his back legs will always be weaker than they were, but at least he's still alive and he comes and sits on my lap every night and purrs a lot!

Katie has started her first proper job - and already hates it - so she's looking round for something better. Ian is back at Warwick doing his degree, and Mikey is doing his 'AS' levels in French, Geography, Classical Civilisation and Latin. He's going to Ghent in Belgium next week for 4 days with his whole class, so he's looking forward to that.

Well I'd better get back to work - I still think of you every day, still wish I at least had a decent photo of you and still wish I could see you... Bob's right you know..

All my love,

Dad
xxx

AugustBlog...

Hi Holly,

Another 2 months gone and loads of happenings... Mikey got his GCSE results today - 3A's and 6A*'s!! Obviously the boy has my brains (except he's about 3 grades higher than I ever was...) Hopefully you'll do as well yourself when the time comes.

We've also been to Florida for a family holiday - Katie came too. It was mostly great fun, although I think Kate missed her boyfriend quite a lot. Pip and I went on all the rollercoasters - several times! - and the boys became experts at the 'Men in Black' ride at Universal Studios. We were quite lucky with the weather, as it was quite good when we were there, but last week they had a Hurricane which flattened half the State, so we're glad we avoided that.

Jasper the bionic cat goes back to the vet on Tuesday for (hopefully) his final check-up, after which he will be allowed outside again. (He hasn't been outside for 3 months!) The poor boy is champing at the bit to get outside, although he does now walk with a bit of a limp. Hopefully, he will stay well away from roads and cars from now on...

I was thinking the other day, that you've probably been told that I don't want anything to do with you and have never paid any money for you since your mother left etc etc. Since you'll probably be old enough to understand by the time you read this, I just want you to know that neither of these things are true. I desperately tried to get reasonable access to you when your Mum went, but she was very determined that I should never see you again - that in fact is exactly what she told your Aunt Diane - that I would never see you again. Her determination for this to happen was the reason that she used the one 'weapon' that she knew would get to me - the boys... The stories she told you about them were most certainly untrue, but with that type of malevolence being spread, I had to make a choice - either to continue to press for access to you or to risk them being investigated by Social Services for something they hadn't done. I hope you can understand why I had to stop seeing you... I told your mother that if she wouldn't let me see you then I was going to stop paying her the weekly maintenance I had agreed for you - and that I would pay it into an account in your name instead. This is what I did (hoping that it would only be a temporary arrangement). 5 years later, I am still paying into your account each week and you are getting quite rich!!

I hope that you were told I said this - although I bet you weren't... I was just told that Richard didn't care about the money because he was quite capable of looking after 'his' family. Well Holly, you aren't his daughter, you're mine and I hope that the good parts of me are strongly burning in you. I hope that you are independent, capable, willing to stand up for yourself and not one to suffer fools gladly....

If I'm still here, I hope we can talk - if I'm not, I always loved you, I never stopped thinking about you and I wish more than anything that we could have been Dad and daughter for at least some of your life past the age of 4...

I'll write again soon,

Love Dad xxx

A tropical beach at sunset...

Hi Holly,

It's been a busy couple of weeks and there have been some fairly big changes in my life since I last wrote - the main one being that Pip and I are getting married! We've been together for 5 years now, and I think we know each other well enough to know that we will stay together - one of the advantages of being old - you don't change anymore, so if you like what you see, there probably aren't any unforeseeable changes round the corner.

We went to Grenada for a holiday and had a lovely time at a very nice hotel and driving round exploring the island. The snorkelling, diving and skiing was also great fun. On our way back to the hotel one evening, I diverted to this really nice beach we had found, and as the sun set, I asked Pip to marry me. When she stopped crying, she finally said yes, and the wedding will be next year - I know it's probably asking the impossible, but it would really make my day if you could be there with us...

Jasper is slowly getting better and although he's got to put up with living in a cage for another month or so while his legs heal, it does at least look as though he's only used up 8 of his 9 lives and that he's going to be with us for some time to come. It would have been terrible if we'd lost him, and I will always be grateful to Mr Haggis, the brilliant vet who saved him.

Michael is doing his GCSE's this week, but it all seems to be going well so far, so we are hoping for some good results. He and I go and play tennis most Sunday mornings, and he is getting quite good now - in other words, he can beat me!! It was one set all and he won the third set on a tie-break this week.. Just wait 'til next week..

I wonder what sports you play? I hope that some of my sporting genes have come through - maybe one day I will see you in action in whatever sport you have chosen...

Well, got to get back to work now - I wish I had a recent photo of you - you are still smiling at me as a 4 year old every day - I'm sure you have grown into a beautiful 10 year old and a recent picture would mean a lot to me. I know Pip tried to get one for my birthday last year, but although she spoke to Richard, nothing ever arrived... Quel dommage...

Anyway, I'll blog again soon,

Lots of love,
Dad
xx

Jasper...the bionic cat...

Hi Holly,

Well it's been a hectic week... Jasper got run over a week ago, and it was 10 hours before he was found in a garden down the road. He was taken to an emergency vet, where they tracked us down and we went and picked him up and brought him back to our usual vet in Brighton. He had been hit in his back legs and had damaged his pelvis, broken one leg and ruptured the knee of his other. Things did not look good...

For 2 days it looked like he would die, but the lovely people at the New Priory Animal Hospital managed to stabilise him, and they referred him to an orthopaedic surgeon to get his broken bones sorted out. He was operated on last Tuesday, and now has pins and screws through his various broken bones, which will take about 3 months to fully heal. He still wasn't out of the woods though, because he had also damaged his liver, and unless they could get him to eat, he could have died of liver disease, as he was very jaundiced. It was touch and go for a couple of days, but with the help of some of his favourite fish, which he couldn't resist even though he was on death's door, he pulled through.

He can't walk and has his broken leg all bandaged up, but he has come home for the weekend (hurrah!!!) and we are making a huge fuss of him. He's got to go back to the vets next week and live in a cage for about 6 weeks, but after that, he should be alright - he has very definitely used up at least one of his 9 lives!!

You probably won't remember Jasper, but you went and chose him and Rosie (his sister who died in a road accident about 4 years ago), when they were kittens, and brought them home as a surprise for me after Jinksy died (that's another story...)

Anyway, that has been what's going on here this week - oh, and Brighton and Hove Albion getting to the play-off finals in the most dramatic manner - and we were there! I hope we can have a serious talk about the Albion one day - my friend takes his 10 year old daughter to all the games and she really enjoys it - it would have been nice if I could have taken you too...

Anyway, must get back to the bionic cat... blog to you again soon.
Dad xxx

Last night...

Hi Holly,

I wanted to tell you about your sister today... I saw Katie last night and we were chatting about you and agreeing how much we missed you. We were at the Marlborough Theatre in Brighton watching Pip performing in 'Sketch Machine' - a very funny new show that she's in.

As I hope you know by now, Pip is an actress and she has developed quite a knack for comedy over the last few years - when I met her, it was all fire-eating roles!! She even taught me to fire eat and we did an act together, fire-eating whilst she was balanced upside down on my back, which we did for a show at the Gardner Centre at Sussex University in 2000 - I have the video if you want to see Dad the fire-eater one day!!

Anyway, back to Katie.. She is just finishing her degree at Brighton Uni, and will be graduating in July. She then hopes to get a job in marketing and earn her first million before she's 30... She's got a really nice boyfriend called Ian, and she is moving in with him when she finishes Uni. She's very pretty and seems to have her life fairly well planned out - job, career, marry Ian in about 3 years, have babies - that's it in a nutshell I think, but we both agreed that you should be part of all this.

We're going to Florida in the summer, me, Pip, Katie Ian and Michael - it would have been nice if you could have come too - we've hired a house near Orlando, so we'll be doing the Theme Parks no doubt... - a final family holiday before hols with the boyfriend/girlfriend take over I expect... wish you were here...

Love as always... Dad xx

What Dad did while you were otherwise occupied...

Holly,

Having set up this place for us to stay in touch... sort of... I thought I'd tell you a few things that have happened to me in the last 6 years:-
1. I finally gave up playing rugby when I was 42, as I found that everyone else was running a lot faster than they used to... and also it was taking me 3 days after every game to be able to walk again with out something hurting...

2. I started writing comedy for a show that's on every month at the Komedia in Brighton. It's called the Treason Show and it's topical songs and sketches about whatever's in the news - I mostly write songs, which are re-writes of famous songs from (in my case!)the 70's -last month it was 'I punched that bitch quite hard in the mouth', sung by Victoria and David Beckham and Rebecca Loos, to the tune of 'You took the words right out of my mouth' by Meat Loaf - you probably won't know the song, but your Mum used to like Meat Loaf, so maybe..
I've been part of the writing team of about 20 people for nearly 3 years now, and I get something in the show most months - hopefully one day you'll get to see something that I've penned..

3. I've also written a play called 'Beach Bar'. It's being performed soon at another theatre in Brighton - I'll tell you more about that another time.

4. I've taken up playing the tenor saxophone. I started learning about 2 years ago, and like most things, I don't have enough time for it, but I'm slowly learning to read music - which is more difficult than learning the sax! If you ever need a deadly rendition of the theme from 'Pink Panther' - I'm your man!

There are lots more things to tell you and so many questions that I wish I could have answered about you... but they'll have to wait for another time - work calls..

Until next time... Dad xxx

Holly's story...

Holly was 4 when I last saw her - well, about 4 anyway... no doubt her mother would chastise me for not knowing exactly how old she was, but it was a long time ago... far too long.

She's 10 now and I think about her every day... I don't suppose she thinks much about me any more - I've no doubt become an amalgam of all the things she has ever heard about me from her mother and I suspect there's not an awful lot of good stuff gone in there... And of course she has a Daddy - Richard, who has brought her up since just after her mother left me - I've always wondered about the timing of that... - and he has taken my place in her life.

I'm writing this blog so that one day Holly will be able to see that I was thinking about her for all those years and that it wasn't because I didn't want her that I couldn't be her Dad.

Her mother and me were like chalk and cheese - I was a divorced single Dad with 2 sons who were 7 and 9 when we met, and she was a single 23 year old. Things were fine for a while, but then she got pregnant (apparently that can happen when you don't take your pill for 4 days in a row right in the middle of your menstrual cycle...) and 9 months later, along came Holly. I was a little underenthused when she first got pregnant as we had only been seeing each other for 6 months and it seemed far too early to be making that sort of commitment - fairly accurate as things turned out... Still, when Holly arrived, she was beautiful and I instantly loved her as much as my other children.

And there was the problem... 'as much', not 'more than'. As she was her mother's first child, she was obviously the most important thing in her life, whereas I had to try and keep the balance with my boys too. Things started to go tits up fairly soon after that, and her mother once told my sister in a moment of girly chat that if we ever split up I 'would never see Holly again'. Well I didn't think she actually meant it - I mean, no-one could be that unreasonable - could they?

She left just after Christmas '96 and moved back to Eastbourne to be near her mother. Now at this point, reasonable arrangements for me to stay a part of Holly's life and to make the best of what was obviously going to be a tricky time would have been the order of the day...yeah, right!

Well Holly, if you ever read this, the truth is that I tried - I really tried... When I couldn't get reasonable access,I went to Court and after 2 days (and £5,000 later) in the County Court, the Judge said I could see you even more than I'd asked for. He didn't believe any of the crap your mum came up with to make me sound like a cross between Jack the Ripper and the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... and he certainly didn't believe any of the UTTER crap about your relationship with your brothers.

I did see you again for a while after this, and we had some nice weekends together, with you even being allowed to stay over with your own Dad...! But then your mother played her most heinous trick, which resulted in me having the police and social services round and all sorts of threats being made to the boys and I, and at this point a decision had to be made... Quite understandably, due to the pressure you were under at home, you didn't want to see me anyway at this time, so I told your mother that I wouldn't see you again until she could be more reasonable about the whole thing... I'm still waiting...

I don't know if you've received them, but I've sent you Christmas and birthday cards and presents every year, always with my phone number so that you could ring if you wanted... I know what pressure you would have been put under if you had tried to get in touch, so I haven't really expected anything, but I live in hope that one day...

I've been living with a lovely woman for the last 4 years who has made me very happy in all parts of my life except the box marked 'Holly'. She even rang Richard last year to try and get a photo of you to give me as a birthday present - it would have been the best present I received, as the pictures on my desk are of you when you were 3 and 4, so I expect you've changed a bit since then!! Unfortunately, they wouldn't even send a photo, so I guess time has done nothing to soften their attitude.

I hear you've got another brother or two now, and I hope life is being good to you. I really hope it won't be too long before we can see each other again, and in the meantime, I'm going to save my thoughts on the Hollyblog from time to time... I love you, Dad xx