Where do I start...?

It's been a while since I wrote to you, and I'm sure you know why... The letter you sent me was the most appalling thing I have ever seen... I cannot believe that after all these years you can be so full of bitterness, of hatred and only able to remember the bad things that happened in the first few years of your life. And most of those were only half truths and half memories...

Just one example, Holly - the day I shut you in the dressing room - yes, I did - but I had just walked in from work to find your mother yelling at me in despair because you would not eat your tea and demanding that I 'take over'. You, to be honest, were being a right pretentious little madam and all I did was put you in that room and tell you you couldn't come out until you had finished your tea... Simple solution to the problem that your mother had presented me with, or so I thought... And yet now you remember this tiny incident as though I had locked you up completely heartlessly in Guantanomo Bay and thrown away the keys... It just wasn't like that - and every other one of your 'memories' has another side, which you seem to have forgotten.

I still don't believe that I've ever done anything to you that could justify you wishing that I had been either (a) "eaten by a wolf" or (b) "chopped up into pieces and burned on a fire". What I did was fight to keep you in my life after your mother had determined for no good reason other than the fact that we had split up, that that was not going to happen. I have loved you your whole life, although I guess I love the lovely little 6 year old that I remember, not the teenager who has grown up capable of writing the things that you put in your letter. I have to say that none of my other children are capable of writing such vitriol, so I'm afraid that you really have missed the influence that I would have had on you - the vast majority of the people I know think I am a nice bloke, and a quality of 'niceness' - uncool as that may be - is something that I have instilled in my other children.

I haven't shown your letter to anyone else (nor will I), but if you do read this one day, hopefully this blog will make you realise how upset I was by what you wrote. It's taken me nearly 6 months to even be able to respond to you - apart from the birthday card I sent you, which just expressed the one thing I can't change - the unconditional love of a parent... despite everything...

I have been paying money into an account in your name since your mother stopped me seeing you, and there are many thousand pounds in it. I have been considering this since I got your letter and Holly, I'm afraid that I don't see the point in paying in any longer. I intended to do so until you were 18 and then give it to you, but you are old enough now to have your own mind and you have made it very clear how you feel about me and that you do not want me to have any further part in your life. I guess when you grow up your views on this might change, but for now that doesn't look likely. I was 50 a couple of weeks ago, and I was hoping that I might get a card and a couple of words of reconciliation - but I suppose that I have to accept that if you can't even do that for such an occasion - I had a very nice day by the way, apart from the time I spent thinking about your letter, which upset me all over again... - then I'm unlikely to hear from you for some time - if ever... Well, the money I've paid in so far will stay there, so if things ever change, hopefully you will know that I never stopped thinking about my baby girl and I never stopped having responsibility for her - it certainly wasn't down to me that I didn't see you when you were growing up...

I would tell you the news of the rest of your family like usual, but I guess at this time in your life you're not interested - I'll probably write again at some point and I'll try not to read your letter first so that I don't feel like this - I'll give you news then...

I still love you Holly, but you have really upset me, which maybe was what you wanted to do - but if that's true, it's also very, very sad...

Dad
xx