Friday, December 29, 2017
24 and out...
Happy Birthday for Monday Holly. I guess you're old enough now to have worked out what you want from your past, so this will be my last post on here...
I hope life treats you well...
Dad x
Monday, December 31, 2012
Make that 19...
Another year and tempus is fuging faster than ever, but at least it's been nice to keep up with some of what you're doing through the wonders of Twitter...
Your job sounds great and I hope it leads on to whatever you want in life - it certainly sounds like a great start! This time last year you were talking about going to University, but I've come to the conclusion that unless you have something very specific to study for like medecine or law, you are probably much better off plunging straight into the world of work than going to Uni these days. In 3 years time, you might be well set in a job you like - and not have £25,000 debt to start life with! I've never really regretted not going to University although that first job as a shipping agent when I was 18 does seen an awful long time ago! The £800 a year salary didn't go far either!
Well it's been a year of change for me - your brothers and sister have moved into their own places now, so it's just Pip, me and Jasper at home. Jasper is getting old now (he's 17!) and he was diagnosed with throat cancer in the summer - but he's been on chemotherapy drugs and steroids since then, and he seems to be in remission. We've got a brilliant vet and he was telling me that he has one cat patient who has been on these drugs for over 2 years and is still going strong, so hopefully Jasper will be with us a bit longer... He and I have been through a lot together and life without him will be... well, it won't be the same... I'll send you a tweet on your birthday and I've made a photo to go with it - you and me, then and now, and Jasper!
I don't expect to get an answer and I hope that if I only contact you once a year, that won't be seen as anything other than what it is - a Dad who has missed 13 years of his daughter growing up, through no choice of his own, and who hopes every day that one day, she will become a part of his life again...
This year I've thought of you in France, Ibiza, Iceland, Jan Mayen, Spitsbergen, Dominica and Berlin - and I've got some great tales to tell about each one! Hopefully one day I'll be to share them with you - as you can see, I only do 2 things these days - work and travel!
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful year Holly and that all your dreams come true.
I love you, my beautiful girl...
Dad xxx
Your job sounds great and I hope it leads on to whatever you want in life - it certainly sounds like a great start! This time last year you were talking about going to University, but I've come to the conclusion that unless you have something very specific to study for like medecine or law, you are probably much better off plunging straight into the world of work than going to Uni these days. In 3 years time, you might be well set in a job you like - and not have £25,000 debt to start life with! I've never really regretted not going to University although that first job as a shipping agent when I was 18 does seen an awful long time ago! The £800 a year salary didn't go far either!
Well it's been a year of change for me - your brothers and sister have moved into their own places now, so it's just Pip, me and Jasper at home. Jasper is getting old now (he's 17!) and he was diagnosed with throat cancer in the summer - but he's been on chemotherapy drugs and steroids since then, and he seems to be in remission. We've got a brilliant vet and he was telling me that he has one cat patient who has been on these drugs for over 2 years and is still going strong, so hopefully Jasper will be with us a bit longer... He and I have been through a lot together and life without him will be... well, it won't be the same... I'll send you a tweet on your birthday and I've made a photo to go with it - you and me, then and now, and Jasper!
I don't expect to get an answer and I hope that if I only contact you once a year, that won't be seen as anything other than what it is - a Dad who has missed 13 years of his daughter growing up, through no choice of his own, and who hopes every day that one day, she will become a part of his life again...
This year I've thought of you in France, Ibiza, Iceland, Jan Mayen, Spitsbergen, Dominica and Berlin - and I've got some great tales to tell about each one! Hopefully one day I'll be to share them with you - as you can see, I only do 2 things these days - work and travel!
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful year Holly and that all your dreams come true.
I love you, my beautiful girl...
Dad xxx
Thursday, December 29, 2011
18 on Sunday...
Hard to believe... but you are, and from the pics I've seen, you've grown into a beautiful young lady. I see that you are off to University and that you are having to sell Absolute Taboo, as you won't be around - must be difficult, but no doubt you will find a good home for her. I wonder which Uni you are going to? Your brothers and sister have all left their Uni's now and are all working. Katie qualified as a Social Worker, working with problem teenagers, Ian is in his second year of teaching at a school in Shoreham and Mikey is working at a company that sets up booking engines for hotels. Ian got married too... it was a lovely day and you should have been there...
I've been thinking about you a lot today as it doesn't seem possible that that day in the R.S.C.H. was 18 years ago... I've been travelling a bit this year too, and you'll be delighted to hear that your named is carved on a mountainside in Canouan - you'll have to look it up on a map! We started the year with a trip to Tromso in Norway and Longyearbyen in Svalbard, where it was 24 hour darkness and between minus 20 and minus 40 degrees, and we went on adventures on snowmobiles and driving our own dog team, as well as going ice caving under a glacier and finally, and quite spectacularly, seeing the Northern Lights... It was quite a trip! We finished the year with a few days in Toronto before Christmas and went to the Niagara Falls - they are another spectacular sight and worth putting on your list of things to do one day..!
I've been on Twitter for a couple of years and I see that you're on there too now, so I'm going to send you a tweet on Sunday, just to wish you all the best for your birthday... Even, if I can't see you, I constantly think about you and I hope that 5 years on from my last attempt to make some form of contact with you, that this time you'll take my message for what it is and allow us to maybe become friends, (even if it's only in cyber space...), as I no longer expect any more than that...
I still love you Holly - the unconditional kind...
Happy Birthday my girl,
Dad xx
I've been thinking about you a lot today as it doesn't seem possible that that day in the R.S.C.H. was 18 years ago... I've been travelling a bit this year too, and you'll be delighted to hear that your named is carved on a mountainside in Canouan - you'll have to look it up on a map! We started the year with a trip to Tromso in Norway and Longyearbyen in Svalbard, where it was 24 hour darkness and between minus 20 and minus 40 degrees, and we went on adventures on snowmobiles and driving our own dog team, as well as going ice caving under a glacier and finally, and quite spectacularly, seeing the Northern Lights... It was quite a trip! We finished the year with a few days in Toronto before Christmas and went to the Niagara Falls - they are another spectacular sight and worth putting on your list of things to do one day..!
I've been on Twitter for a couple of years and I see that you're on there too now, so I'm going to send you a tweet on Sunday, just to wish you all the best for your birthday... Even, if I can't see you, I constantly think about you and I hope that 5 years on from my last attempt to make some form of contact with you, that this time you'll take my message for what it is and allow us to maybe become friends, (even if it's only in cyber space...), as I no longer expect any more than that...
I still love you Holly - the unconditional kind...
Happy Birthday my girl,
Dad xx
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Sweet 16?
Well it's been a while, and it struck me that the picture of you aged 4 that I have on my desk is probably not much of a guide to what you look like now... You're 16 now and it's ten years since I last saw you - what a waste, eh? The effect of the letter from the 13 year old Holly has gradually subsided, and although it was the most hurtful thing I have ever read, I live in hope that there were extenuous influences behind it's content and that the older, more independent Holly might not feel quite the same...
I am guessing that you're not quite old enough yet for some curiosity about me to have overcome your natural inclination to believe everything you've been told, but I seem to remember rebelling when I was 17, when I suddenly discovered that my parents talked rubbish and I knew best about everything - didn't actually last long, but I'm sure I was a right pain while it did! I live in hope that your 'rebel' stage will come and that when it does you will want to find out things for yourself, rather than relying on things you've been told by people who had an agenda I've never understood...
As you know, I was divorced before I met your Mum - I have 3 children who I have brought up in conjunction with their mother and who have all known that we love them equally... That's all I ever asked your mother for too... Your eldest brother graduated as a teacher last year and has been teaching at a primary school in Haywards Heath since September. He had his graduation ceremony at the Dome in Brighton last month and his Mum and I went together to watch it... A proud day for both of us...
I see from the scraps of information about you that I can glean from the internet, that your horse riding is coming along well and that you, Shandy and Absolute Taboo (de quoi vient cela...?) are becoming dressage stars! It would be great to come and watch you in action - I hope that one day that might be possible.
I also see that you've got into the Talented Athlete programme at Claverham - well done you!
Anyway, gotta go now - work calls...
Until next time,
Dad xx
I am guessing that you're not quite old enough yet for some curiosity about me to have overcome your natural inclination to believe everything you've been told, but I seem to remember rebelling when I was 17, when I suddenly discovered that my parents talked rubbish and I knew best about everything - didn't actually last long, but I'm sure I was a right pain while it did! I live in hope that your 'rebel' stage will come and that when it does you will want to find out things for yourself, rather than relying on things you've been told by people who had an agenda I've never understood...
As you know, I was divorced before I met your Mum - I have 3 children who I have brought up in conjunction with their mother and who have all known that we love them equally... That's all I ever asked your mother for too... Your eldest brother graduated as a teacher last year and has been teaching at a primary school in Haywards Heath since September. He had his graduation ceremony at the Dome in Brighton last month and his Mum and I went together to watch it... A proud day for both of us...
I see from the scraps of information about you that I can glean from the internet, that your horse riding is coming along well and that you, Shandy and Absolute Taboo (de quoi vient cela...?) are becoming dressage stars! It would be great to come and watch you in action - I hope that one day that might be possible.
I also see that you've got into the Talented Athlete programme at Claverham - well done you!
Anyway, gotta go now - work calls...
Until next time,
Dad xx
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Years Day '94...
14 years ago today, you spent the first half hour of your life squinting up at me as I walked you round the delivery room whilst the doc put your Mum back together again - we had a moment that can't be taken away from me and is one I will never forget... Nor will I forget all the happy memories of our time together - as you probably don't remember any of them, having had 'other' memories drummed into you, you will just have to take my word for it that they happened...
I'm still here Holly (the wolves haven't got me yet..!) and I have had a year so full of experiences that I would have loved to tell you about - from Arctic Greenland to the Masai Mara, I won't forget my 50th year...
I haven't tried to contact you this year as you have made it quite clear that you don't want me to - but if you ever read this Holly, I want you to know that I was thinking about you, as I always do, and I was hoping that as you get older you are developing past the person who could write that awful letter into someone who understands that there is no black and white in life - just different shades of grey... Maybe that'll make sense in another 10 years...!
Lots of Love,
Dad.
I'm still here Holly (the wolves haven't got me yet..!) and I have had a year so full of experiences that I would have loved to tell you about - from Arctic Greenland to the Masai Mara, I won't forget my 50th year...
I haven't tried to contact you this year as you have made it quite clear that you don't want me to - but if you ever read this Holly, I want you to know that I was thinking about you, as I always do, and I was hoping that as you get older you are developing past the person who could write that awful letter into someone who understands that there is no black and white in life - just different shades of grey... Maybe that'll make sense in another 10 years...!
Lots of Love,
Dad.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Where do I start...?
It's been a while since I wrote to you, and I'm sure you know why... The letter you sent me was the most appalling thing I have ever seen... I cannot believe that after all these years you can be so full of bitterness, of hatred and only able to remember the bad things that happened in the first few years of your life. And most of those were only half truths and half memories...
Just one example, Holly - the day I shut you in the dressing room - yes, I did - but I had just walked in from work to find your mother yelling at me in despair because you would not eat your tea and demanding that I 'take over'. You, to be honest, were being a right pretentious little madam and all I did was put you in that room and tell you you couldn't come out until you had finished your tea... Simple solution to the problem that your mother had presented me with, or so I thought... And yet now you remember this tiny incident as though I had locked you up completely heartlessly in Guantanomo Bay and thrown away the keys... It just wasn't like that - and every other one of your 'memories' has another side, which you seem to have forgotten.
I still don't believe that I've ever done anything to you that could justify you wishing that I had been either (a) "eaten by a wolf" or (b) "chopped up into pieces and burned on a fire". What I did was fight to keep you in my life after your mother had determined for no good reason other than the fact that we had split up, that that was not going to happen. I have loved you your whole life, although I guess I love the lovely little 6 year old that I remember, not the teenager who has grown up capable of writing the things that you put in your letter. I have to say that none of my other children are capable of writing such vitriol, so I'm afraid that you really have missed the influence that I would have had on you - the vast majority of the people I know think I am a nice bloke, and a quality of 'niceness' - uncool as that may be - is something that I have instilled in my other children.
I haven't shown your letter to anyone else (nor will I), but if you do read this one day, hopefully this blog will make you realise how upset I was by what you wrote. It's taken me nearly 6 months to even be able to respond to you - apart from the birthday card I sent you, which just expressed the one thing I can't change - the unconditional love of a parent... despite everything...
I have been paying money into an account in your name since your mother stopped me seeing you, and there are many thousand pounds in it. I have been considering this since I got your letter and Holly, I'm afraid that I don't see the point in paying in any longer. I intended to do so until you were 18 and then give it to you, but you are old enough now to have your own mind and you have made it very clear how you feel about me and that you do not want me to have any further part in your life. I guess when you grow up your views on this might change, but for now that doesn't look likely. I was 50 a couple of weeks ago, and I was hoping that I might get a card and a couple of words of reconciliation - but I suppose that I have to accept that if you can't even do that for such an occasion - I had a very nice day by the way, apart from the time I spent thinking about your letter, which upset me all over again... - then I'm unlikely to hear from you for some time - if ever... Well, the money I've paid in so far will stay there, so if things ever change, hopefully you will know that I never stopped thinking about my baby girl and I never stopped having responsibility for her - it certainly wasn't down to me that I didn't see you when you were growing up...
I would tell you the news of the rest of your family like usual, but I guess at this time in your life you're not interested - I'll probably write again at some point and I'll try not to read your letter first so that I don't feel like this - I'll give you news then...
I still love you Holly, but you have really upset me, which maybe was what you wanted to do - but if that's true, it's also very, very sad...
Dad
xx
Just one example, Holly - the day I shut you in the dressing room - yes, I did - but I had just walked in from work to find your mother yelling at me in despair because you would not eat your tea and demanding that I 'take over'. You, to be honest, were being a right pretentious little madam and all I did was put you in that room and tell you you couldn't come out until you had finished your tea... Simple solution to the problem that your mother had presented me with, or so I thought... And yet now you remember this tiny incident as though I had locked you up completely heartlessly in Guantanomo Bay and thrown away the keys... It just wasn't like that - and every other one of your 'memories' has another side, which you seem to have forgotten.
I still don't believe that I've ever done anything to you that could justify you wishing that I had been either (a) "eaten by a wolf" or (b) "chopped up into pieces and burned on a fire". What I did was fight to keep you in my life after your mother had determined for no good reason other than the fact that we had split up, that that was not going to happen. I have loved you your whole life, although I guess I love the lovely little 6 year old that I remember, not the teenager who has grown up capable of writing the things that you put in your letter. I have to say that none of my other children are capable of writing such vitriol, so I'm afraid that you really have missed the influence that I would have had on you - the vast majority of the people I know think I am a nice bloke, and a quality of 'niceness' - uncool as that may be - is something that I have instilled in my other children.
I haven't shown your letter to anyone else (nor will I), but if you do read this one day, hopefully this blog will make you realise how upset I was by what you wrote. It's taken me nearly 6 months to even be able to respond to you - apart from the birthday card I sent you, which just expressed the one thing I can't change - the unconditional love of a parent... despite everything...
I have been paying money into an account in your name since your mother stopped me seeing you, and there are many thousand pounds in it. I have been considering this since I got your letter and Holly, I'm afraid that I don't see the point in paying in any longer. I intended to do so until you were 18 and then give it to you, but you are old enough now to have your own mind and you have made it very clear how you feel about me and that you do not want me to have any further part in your life. I guess when you grow up your views on this might change, but for now that doesn't look likely. I was 50 a couple of weeks ago, and I was hoping that I might get a card and a couple of words of reconciliation - but I suppose that I have to accept that if you can't even do that for such an occasion - I had a very nice day by the way, apart from the time I spent thinking about your letter, which upset me all over again... - then I'm unlikely to hear from you for some time - if ever... Well, the money I've paid in so far will stay there, so if things ever change, hopefully you will know that I never stopped thinking about my baby girl and I never stopped having responsibility for her - it certainly wasn't down to me that I didn't see you when you were growing up...
I would tell you the news of the rest of your family like usual, but I guess at this time in your life you're not interested - I'll probably write again at some point and I'll try not to read your letter first so that I don't feel like this - I'll give you news then...
I still love you Holly, but you have really upset me, which maybe was what you wanted to do - but if that's true, it's also very, very sad...
Dad
xx
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Over 3 years...! And no-one told me...!!
Hi Holly,
This is a bad week... I've just found out that you moved from Westham in August 2003, and that you've been living at PineTrees since then. You know, one of the last things that Richard ever said to me was that you would always know that I was your father... If he was honourable enough to stand by that statement, then surely I could have been told that you had moved so at least I didn't have to spend 3 years getting stressed out every time another Christmas or birthday present was returned... I know they want to live as though I don't exist, but I do Holly - and even though he has brought you up, he will never be your father - step-father is all he will ever be...
I'm sorry if I'm sounding resentful today, but finding out where you are has really brought home to me today how much I have given up - just because your mother didn't want me to be part of your life... it could all have been so different... I see that they have even changed your name - which incidentally is illegal for them to do without my permission, which I obviously have never given. Like your Birth Certificate says, you are Holly Ann Hudson - a fact of which I hope one day you will be proud... My father made me a Hudson, and he was a fine man - a man of whom I have always been very proud to be a son. Had he lived, he would have been very proud of you too, and maybe he would have helped me to avoid losing your childhood as I have...
It's nearly Christmas, and I sent you a card yesterday - I hope you get this one, and I hope even more that you contact me. I put my number in the card, and I have bought you a present, which you can have whenever you want. I'll send you a birthday card and a cheque next week so that you can buy something nice for yourself - I wish I knew what that was, but.... maybe one day...
I can't believe that you are nearly a teenager - in my mind, you are still that 6 year old who used to give me big hugs - I'm sure things have changed a bit!
I've had a really busy time at work recently, but it's all good stuff - Hudson Bay Financial is thriving, and we should have our best ever year this year. Pip and I also managed to go and spend a week with your Uncle Paul and Aunt Darcy in Ras al Khaimah - it was our first time in the Middle East and it was a bit of a culture shock - they aren't keen on seeing exposed legs out there, so I may have shocked one or two of them with my holiday shorts..!
Ian is off on his 3 month tour of the Far East straight after Christmas - he's going to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong and China - and if he's got any money left at the end of his trip, he might pop over to Japan too. I've told him that I want a schedule of everywhere he has got planned to go - I'm looking forward to following his travels on the map and hearing the stories of what he gets up to...
Katie is still working with her problem children and Michael is still trying to work out what to do with his life - he's decided that he's not going to go to University now, so he's going to go straight into a career - he just can't decide what as yet...
Well Holly, I've got to go now, but I really hope that you have a fabulous Christmas and that you get what you want. I know what I want, and I just hope that by this time next year, I've got it...
All my love as ever,
Dad.
xxx
This is a bad week... I've just found out that you moved from Westham in August 2003, and that you've been living at PineTrees since then. You know, one of the last things that Richard ever said to me was that you would always know that I was your father... If he was honourable enough to stand by that statement, then surely I could have been told that you had moved so at least I didn't have to spend 3 years getting stressed out every time another Christmas or birthday present was returned... I know they want to live as though I don't exist, but I do Holly - and even though he has brought you up, he will never be your father - step-father is all he will ever be...
I'm sorry if I'm sounding resentful today, but finding out where you are has really brought home to me today how much I have given up - just because your mother didn't want me to be part of your life... it could all have been so different... I see that they have even changed your name - which incidentally is illegal for them to do without my permission, which I obviously have never given. Like your Birth Certificate says, you are Holly Ann Hudson - a fact of which I hope one day you will be proud... My father made me a Hudson, and he was a fine man - a man of whom I have always been very proud to be a son. Had he lived, he would have been very proud of you too, and maybe he would have helped me to avoid losing your childhood as I have...
It's nearly Christmas, and I sent you a card yesterday - I hope you get this one, and I hope even more that you contact me. I put my number in the card, and I have bought you a present, which you can have whenever you want. I'll send you a birthday card and a cheque next week so that you can buy something nice for yourself - I wish I knew what that was, but.... maybe one day...
I can't believe that you are nearly a teenager - in my mind, you are still that 6 year old who used to give me big hugs - I'm sure things have changed a bit!
I've had a really busy time at work recently, but it's all good stuff - Hudson Bay Financial is thriving, and we should have our best ever year this year. Pip and I also managed to go and spend a week with your Uncle Paul and Aunt Darcy in Ras al Khaimah - it was our first time in the Middle East and it was a bit of a culture shock - they aren't keen on seeing exposed legs out there, so I may have shocked one or two of them with my holiday shorts..!
Ian is off on his 3 month tour of the Far East straight after Christmas - he's going to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong and China - and if he's got any money left at the end of his trip, he might pop over to Japan too. I've told him that I want a schedule of everywhere he has got planned to go - I'm looking forward to following his travels on the map and hearing the stories of what he gets up to...
Katie is still working with her problem children and Michael is still trying to work out what to do with his life - he's decided that he's not going to go to University now, so he's going to go straight into a career - he just can't decide what as yet...
Well Holly, I've got to go now, but I really hope that you have a fabulous Christmas and that you get what you want. I know what I want, and I just hope that by this time next year, I've got it...
All my love as ever,
Dad.
xxx
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